All The Feelings

I posted this picture on facebook the other day:

A long-time friend said it looked "just right." As in, me with 3 kids was a good fit. I take that as a huge compliment. And the good news is, I feel the same. As I was walking down the street with the 3 boys a few days ago, I thought, 'This is my gang. It's the perfect little group.' I don't mean that there can't be room for more, but right now, this feels right.

I'm relieved to be feeling this way. I don't bond with my kids very well in pregnancy. Sure, I'm excited. I like the kicks (until they hurt). But pregnancy, as beautiful and miraculous as it is, isn't my favorite. I don't talk to my babies in utero, I don't sing or read to them. I don't even really think about what they'll look like. But the minute they're in my arms, I feel all the feelings. With this baby, I had some nerves. G and P are a ton of work...I was kind of scared how we'd make it work with a new baby. I talked to my midwife about prenatal depression, post partum depression (which I've never had), just in case.  It's only been 3 1/2 weeks, but everything seems to be fitting in place. I just love him so much. I even feel like I love the other 2 more.

If there's ever a feelings rollercoaster, though, it's gotta be right after having a baby. Hormones all over the place. I'm so tired, and with so little room for rest. We are on the go. It's just life. I feel so in love with my husband and kids- and then so sad for others suffering. My heart is burdened by loved ones going through struggles and suffering. I feel so happy planning our summer with 3 kids- and at the same time missing the short years Behn and I had before children. I feel so alone- and then so close to the Lord. All the feelings.

But we have Christ as our sure foundation.

"According to the grace of God given to me, like a skilled master builder I laid a foundation, and someone else is building upon it. Let each one take care how he builds upon it. For no one can lay a foundation other than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ." -I Corinthians 3:10-11

And so, I pray. I thank God for this sweet time. I ask for wisdom and patience when I lose my temper (multiple times a day, often with the same child). I pray for hurting hearts. I thank God we have the money we need to pay our bills. I pray that we become more generous. I pray that my heart will be softened and gentle and slow to anger. I pray to build on the foundation of Jesus Christ,