In Limbo...Thoughts from Behn
Behn here...been a while since I've posted on here, and I have a few thoughts I'd like to get off my chest on a Sunday afternoon while both sons are sleeping. My thoughts have been scattered lately, as have most of my belongings. I apologize if this is a jumpy post. We truly represent a certain semblance of Wayfaring Strangers...all four of us.
It's been over 4 months since I've started my job at Recorded Books, and a little longer than that since we've moved to Maryland from Virginia. The house buying/searching process has been frustrating, especially considering the mortgage we're qualified for. It is limiting and there are roadblocks that have unexpectedly arisen. Obviously, we feel unsettled at the moment. I am struggling with contentment as we search for our own home. At times, I've questioned whether I really want to commit to buying a house and locking myself into this geographic location for the foreseeable future. I do want to find a place to call our own, to come home to my family each night and to re-experience what it feels like to be together as a family, whether it be in a purchased house, or a rented apartment. If our lives were a videotape (VHS), it's as if someone hit the pause button, and the tape continues to stretch...something's gotta give.
Leaving Lexington, VA was much harder than I thought it would be. I searched and searched for a new job, and by God's grace, and quite providentially, we ended up close to family/loved ones. In my mind, it was never my goal to move in with either side of the family, or to intentionally find employment close to family again. I limited my job search to Mid-Atlantic states, like Virginia, Maryland, Delaware, Pennsylvania. I was almost able to keep my family in Rockbridge County, and I had other interviews. We were doing well in Virginia (but not so well financially). We had a great church, great friends, were surrounded by fresh, beautiful mountains and a quaint, safe small town, rich with history and sophistication. It became home to me, even though it took a while to reach that point. But, simply put, I needed a new job that would help me provide for our growing family. We didn't necessarily "need" to be close to family, but this is the door God opened for us-here in Southern Maryland. I am trying to learn to serve God wherever he puts me.
Last October, the walk down the front sidewalk at 16 Forsythia Loop in Lexington, to our car, one last time, as I held Graham, was a tough walk to take. We were about to drive to Maryland and start our move. I actually had to fight back tears...I was removing my oldest son from the only home he ever knew, and about to jump into a new job, new location, surroundings. All of this after having another son (talk about an adjustment period). I'm glad we can look back at Lexington with fond memories, where our [Virginian] sons were born, where careers began, education was received, friends were made, etc. I am hoping that Maryland will feel like home, but right now, it doesn't. I am not going to pretend to be happy and content right now, because I'm not. But I am praying for contentment and that I would seize opportunities to serve those around me. I am hoping and praying that we find a home soon and that we would also feel "at home."
I appreciate the hospitality of my wife's side of the family. The friendships I have with Aaron and Stephen. The fact that my job seems to be going well. The opportunity to get involved in a small conservative church. So much grace poured out for me despite my lack of contentment.
I'll leave you with a verse that's been on my heart ever since my job search, and some lyrics to one of my favorite U2 songs.
I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
(Lamentations 3:22-24 ESV)
It's been over 4 months since I've started my job at Recorded Books, and a little longer than that since we've moved to Maryland from Virginia. The house buying/searching process has been frustrating, especially considering the mortgage we're qualified for. It is limiting and there are roadblocks that have unexpectedly arisen. Obviously, we feel unsettled at the moment. I am struggling with contentment as we search for our own home. At times, I've questioned whether I really want to commit to buying a house and locking myself into this geographic location for the foreseeable future. I do want to find a place to call our own, to come home to my family each night and to re-experience what it feels like to be together as a family, whether it be in a purchased house, or a rented apartment. If our lives were a videotape (VHS), it's as if someone hit the pause button, and the tape continues to stretch...something's gotta give.
Leaving Lexington, VA was much harder than I thought it would be. I searched and searched for a new job, and by God's grace, and quite providentially, we ended up close to family/loved ones. In my mind, it was never my goal to move in with either side of the family, or to intentionally find employment close to family again. I limited my job search to Mid-Atlantic states, like Virginia, Maryland, Delaware, Pennsylvania. I was almost able to keep my family in Rockbridge County, and I had other interviews. We were doing well in Virginia (but not so well financially). We had a great church, great friends, were surrounded by fresh, beautiful mountains and a quaint, safe small town, rich with history and sophistication. It became home to me, even though it took a while to reach that point. But, simply put, I needed a new job that would help me provide for our growing family. We didn't necessarily "need" to be close to family, but this is the door God opened for us-here in Southern Maryland. I am trying to learn to serve God wherever he puts me.
Last October, the walk down the front sidewalk at 16 Forsythia Loop in Lexington, to our car, one last time, as I held Graham, was a tough walk to take. We were about to drive to Maryland and start our move. I actually had to fight back tears...I was removing my oldest son from the only home he ever knew, and about to jump into a new job, new location, surroundings. All of this after having another son (talk about an adjustment period). I'm glad we can look back at Lexington with fond memories, where our [Virginian] sons were born, where careers began, education was received, friends were made, etc. I am hoping that Maryland will feel like home, but right now, it doesn't. I am not going to pretend to be happy and content right now, because I'm not. But I am praying for contentment and that I would seize opportunities to serve those around me. I am hoping and praying that we find a home soon and that we would also feel "at home."
I appreciate the hospitality of my wife's side of the family. The friendships I have with Aaron and Stephen. The fact that my job seems to be going well. The opportunity to get involved in a small conservative church. So much grace poured out for me despite my lack of contentment.
I'll leave you with a verse that's been on my heart ever since my job search, and some lyrics to one of my favorite U2 songs.
I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
(Lamentations 3:22-24 ESV)
<3 you guys
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