WayfaringStrangers

Whew. End of December. Behn and I were talking on Christmas Day, on our drive home from my parents. "It doesn't feel like Christmas," he said. "It doesn't feel bad; it was a really nice day. But it doesn't feel like Christmas." I had to agree. To tired parents, it doesn't "feel" like Christmas, perhaps. Just like when parents are tired and worn thin, we don't always "feel" like this parenting gig is much fun. Just today, my sisters-in-law and I were talking about expectations. Years ago, I expected   Christmas to mean beautiful devotionals, savoring every Christmas hymn, and worshiping with my whole heart in the Lessons and Carols and Christmas Eve Service. I expected to anticipate glitter and gifts, and maybe a flutter of romance and possibility. I expected  good meals and sleeping in and lounging around with family.  Christmas looks so different now. Not worse, just different. Traditions are wonderful and important,

Last night we turned on some footage of the first hours and weeks of Graham's life. He was tiny. He was adored. We held him in awe. We grinned over every coo. He was, is, precious to us. Behn looked 10 years younger. I truly had a 'glow.' I looked impossibly young, almost like a teenager (I was almost 27). I think we were both just a lot less tired. I can nearly cry thinking of the simplicity of those sweet days, all cozied up in our little home in the most beautiful place in the world. Fast forward 4 years. Graham is so big- tall and healthy and athletic. He's funny and smart. He runs and jumps all day, knows the 7 continents, the planets, can draw shapes and doodles maps, and pretends to throw bombs at pirates. He's still obsessed with balls. He builds marble runs with his engineer's mind. He has a dimple on his right cheek when he grins. But. But these have been the hardest months of my life. People say 2 is bad, 3 is worse. Not to be negative, but 3 w

Last weekend I got the privilege to be one of the first to meet my new niece, Carolina Mae. It was special to sneak away for 2 nights and travel down to see my sister and her family. I had hoped to be there for the birth, but that is complicated with a 5-6 hour drive to the destination. I eagerly waited for updates on early labor, and when it was decided that 'this is it,' I jumped in the car and headed down. I got updates as I drove and when I heard she was 10 cm and ready to push, I was still an hour or so away, now knowing that I would miss her entrance. It didn't matter, though; I was still excited to be there and lay eyes on that fresh baby and my sister. Emily (and Seth!) did great and I am so proud of her. It was so peaceful holding her- a new babe, a fresh start. She was so sweet: a perfect baby doll. I spent the next 48 hours chatting with my parents-in-law, bonding with big sister Rosie, hanging out with Emily, and then driving home. It was so wort