7 Things We Learned While Hosting This Summer
We had a busy month in July, hosting beautiful V from Ukraine. I want to share some details and lessons learned. Hosting is such a growing experience. First, real quick, the purpose of hosting, since many do wonder.
Hosting children who are orphans gives them the unique opportunity to travel, learn how to live in a family (surprisingly this does not come naturally if you've grown up in an orphanage), feel loved, special, and treasured, have new experiences, hear about the love of Jesus, and be exposed to potential adoptive families. I think many people wonder if it's kind of a teaser for the kids: here's this great experience and a family- and now you're taken away again! I can see that. But the hosting experience is rich, seeds are sown, and many times it does lead to adoption. It's better than a summer in the orphanage.
Here are 7 lessons we learned while hosting:
1. Children Do Not Belong in Orphanages
During our home visit, our social worker told us that at age 6, we should expect V to developmentally emotionally be around age 3. This was spot on. Everything I have ever read about attachment disorders and orphanage behavior applied to her. Without sharing too much or seeming too negative, I'll just say there were daily meltdowns and many other challenges. It was so sad to see, as well as frustrating and tiring. It just made me feel all the stronger that these children need families. No child should grow up without love, safety, and knowing they are valued. God made families for a reason.
2. Sacrifice Sometimes Means Suffering
We sacrificed some things to have V with us: money, family time, many hours in the car to and from NYC, etc. Most of the time we were willing. God called us to this, and we were excited! The suffering was what caught us off guard. We sacrificed sleep (she was an early bird!), and grumbled about that suffering. During many days, we sighed through hard moments, suffered through cleaning up extra messes, and even suffered physically during really tough tantrums. That's when our hearts were tested, and although God always gave us grace, we did not always suffer gracefully. It really caused me to pause and consider the deep sin in my own heart. A tough but sanctifying revelation: I really do like things to be easier, my lips are easy to complain.
3. The Language Barrier Isn't That Bad
The top question I hear from people must be, "But how did you communicate?" It really was not that bad! Of course, there were a few moments where we found ourselves frustrated because one of us was misunderstood, but overall, we "got" each other. We would point, guess, do charades, and figure it out. She was super smart and learned a bunch of English really fast! By the end of the month, she really understood much of what we said. She definitely knew what we were saying when we said "bed, eat, swim, or dance." We also learned some Russian. It was actually pretty fun! Truly, so much comes down to understanding basic needs and tone of voice.
4. Love- And Time- Bring The Walls Down
We had month with V, and slowly and by God's grace, some of those walls really did come down. She began to trust us, and not feel she had to hide food. She began to feel safe in our home and her body calmed down (she was an energetic little thing). She ran willingly to me with a smile on her face after her dance lesson. During the last week, one of the best nights we had was when she asked me to help her pray. She carefully and softly repeated each word. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it, that sweet moment. She also began to say "I love you" when we told her we loved her. Bedtimes were often the sweetest moments, with cuddling while reading books, hugs and prayers. We also bonded one day over my wedding dress. She kept looking at my wedding pictures and ooh'ing over the dress, so I went downstairs and put it on. Did her eyes light up! We laughed and danced and she admired that dress. It was a fun memory.
When we picked her up from NYC, she was terrified to go with us in the car- we were complete strangers! And when we took her back to the airport, she calmly but sadly held my hand tight, tears in her beautiful eyes. She went from refusing us to not wanting to let go.
5. Think Carefully About Hosting If You Have Young Children
I hesitated to write this one, but I think it's worth noting. We had a really hard time having 3 young children in our home. V really needed one adult to supervise her almost all the time. And since our other two are also young, I was very overwhelmed. Now, by all means, if God is asking you to serve by hosting, do it! He will get you through. But consider carefully. V had some anger that rubbed off on our little guys. It is normal, of course. She has a lot of hurt in her life, but it came out in tough ways. There were even some instances when she took off at a park and I had to leave my little guys unattended to catch her again. Not safe. If Graham and Patrick had even been a few years older and more independent, it would have made a big difference. In the end, the only way we got through was by playing it safe at home most of the time or having extra hands to help....which leads me to my next lesson.
6. You Will Need A Great Support System
There is no way we would have completed the experience without the relentless help from family and friends. It was truly humbling NEEDING help. Being desperate for help. Even when I had my babies, I didn't need that much help. Babies sleep. V did not (well, she did but only at night and woke up early). We had many meals sent to us, friends let us play in their pool, my parents had us over to help out, my future SIL Autumn came one day to help, my siblings helped out as they could, my in-laws landed here for several days- and then they took Graham away with them the last week, and family in Delaware hosted us the last few days and were so very gracious. Friends stopped by to meet V or had us over. Even though it was hard leaving the house, I loved the company and V liked going new places. I'm so grateful to all the friends to put together little care packages, were understanding when the behavior was puzzling, loved us and prayed for us. We also had a wonderful day spending time with a family who recently adopted from Ukraine. V enjoyed speaking Russian and my boys enjoyed romping around their farm. I didn't have to explain anything. They knew. There is a special unity in orphan care circles. That was a respite.
Overall, just a huge thank you to everyone who prayed for us, gave, or sacrificed their time to help us serve. Orphan care is for everyone!
7. It's Worth It
Yes. All of the early mornings, meltdowns, extra expenses and messes...all of the moments of tenderness, hugs, freeze pops, dancing around the house, happy splashing in the tiny baby pool... all worth it.
Having her here really helped with orphan awareness. Most people just don't really know much about orphans, orphanages, and all the social issues surrounding them. Friends and family got to see a little face, that she was real and that we can do something.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overall, V was a girly, beautiful, princess loving child. Some have asked if we will adopt. At this time, we do not feel like we are ready. But we pray she receives a family- she needs and deserves one! We will always advocate for her.
I pray she felt loved. I pray we are continually softened to serving. I pray we see her future bright! May God be magnified.
Hosting children who are orphans gives them the unique opportunity to travel, learn how to live in a family (surprisingly this does not come naturally if you've grown up in an orphanage), feel loved, special, and treasured, have new experiences, hear about the love of Jesus, and be exposed to potential adoptive families. I think many people wonder if it's kind of a teaser for the kids: here's this great experience and a family- and now you're taken away again! I can see that. But the hosting experience is rich, seeds are sown, and many times it does lead to adoption. It's better than a summer in the orphanage.
Here are 7 lessons we learned while hosting:
1. Children Do Not Belong in Orphanages
During our home visit, our social worker told us that at age 6, we should expect V to developmentally emotionally be around age 3. This was spot on. Everything I have ever read about attachment disorders and orphanage behavior applied to her. Without sharing too much or seeming too negative, I'll just say there were daily meltdowns and many other challenges. It was so sad to see, as well as frustrating and tiring. It just made me feel all the stronger that these children need families. No child should grow up without love, safety, and knowing they are valued. God made families for a reason.
2. Sacrifice Sometimes Means Suffering
We sacrificed some things to have V with us: money, family time, many hours in the car to and from NYC, etc. Most of the time we were willing. God called us to this, and we were excited! The suffering was what caught us off guard. We sacrificed sleep (she was an early bird!), and grumbled about that suffering. During many days, we sighed through hard moments, suffered through cleaning up extra messes, and even suffered physically during really tough tantrums. That's when our hearts were tested, and although God always gave us grace, we did not always suffer gracefully. It really caused me to pause and consider the deep sin in my own heart. A tough but sanctifying revelation: I really do like things to be easier, my lips are easy to complain.
3. The Language Barrier Isn't That Bad
The top question I hear from people must be, "But how did you communicate?" It really was not that bad! Of course, there were a few moments where we found ourselves frustrated because one of us was misunderstood, but overall, we "got" each other. We would point, guess, do charades, and figure it out. She was super smart and learned a bunch of English really fast! By the end of the month, she really understood much of what we said. She definitely knew what we were saying when we said "bed, eat, swim, or dance." We also learned some Russian. It was actually pretty fun! Truly, so much comes down to understanding basic needs and tone of voice.
4. Love- And Time- Bring The Walls Down
We had month with V, and slowly and by God's grace, some of those walls really did come down. She began to trust us, and not feel she had to hide food. She began to feel safe in our home and her body calmed down (she was an energetic little thing). She ran willingly to me with a smile on her face after her dance lesson. During the last week, one of the best nights we had was when she asked me to help her pray. She carefully and softly repeated each word. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it, that sweet moment. She also began to say "I love you" when we told her we loved her. Bedtimes were often the sweetest moments, with cuddling while reading books, hugs and prayers. We also bonded one day over my wedding dress. She kept looking at my wedding pictures and ooh'ing over the dress, so I went downstairs and put it on. Did her eyes light up! We laughed and danced and she admired that dress. It was a fun memory.
When we picked her up from NYC, she was terrified to go with us in the car- we were complete strangers! And when we took her back to the airport, she calmly but sadly held my hand tight, tears in her beautiful eyes. She went from refusing us to not wanting to let go.
5. Think Carefully About Hosting If You Have Young Children
I hesitated to write this one, but I think it's worth noting. We had a really hard time having 3 young children in our home. V really needed one adult to supervise her almost all the time. And since our other two are also young, I was very overwhelmed. Now, by all means, if God is asking you to serve by hosting, do it! He will get you through. But consider carefully. V had some anger that rubbed off on our little guys. It is normal, of course. She has a lot of hurt in her life, but it came out in tough ways. There were even some instances when she took off at a park and I had to leave my little guys unattended to catch her again. Not safe. If Graham and Patrick had even been a few years older and more independent, it would have made a big difference. In the end, the only way we got through was by playing it safe at home most of the time or having extra hands to help....which leads me to my next lesson.
6. You Will Need A Great Support System
There is no way we would have completed the experience without the relentless help from family and friends. It was truly humbling NEEDING help. Being desperate for help. Even when I had my babies, I didn't need that much help. Babies sleep. V did not (well, she did but only at night and woke up early). We had many meals sent to us, friends let us play in their pool, my parents had us over to help out, my future SIL Autumn came one day to help, my siblings helped out as they could, my in-laws landed here for several days- and then they took Graham away with them the last week, and family in Delaware hosted us the last few days and were so very gracious. Friends stopped by to meet V or had us over. Even though it was hard leaving the house, I loved the company and V liked going new places. I'm so grateful to all the friends to put together little care packages, were understanding when the behavior was puzzling, loved us and prayed for us. We also had a wonderful day spending time with a family who recently adopted from Ukraine. V enjoyed speaking Russian and my boys enjoyed romping around their farm. I didn't have to explain anything. They knew. There is a special unity in orphan care circles. That was a respite.
Overall, just a huge thank you to everyone who prayed for us, gave, or sacrificed their time to help us serve. Orphan care is for everyone!
7. It's Worth It
Yes. All of the early mornings, meltdowns, extra expenses and messes...all of the moments of tenderness, hugs, freeze pops, dancing around the house, happy splashing in the tiny baby pool... all worth it.
Having her here really helped with orphan awareness. Most people just don't really know much about orphans, orphanages, and all the social issues surrounding them. Friends and family got to see a little face, that she was real and that we can do something.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overall, V was a girly, beautiful, princess loving child. Some have asked if we will adopt. At this time, we do not feel like we are ready. But we pray she receives a family- she needs and deserves one! We will always advocate for her.
I pray she felt loved. I pray we are continually softened to serving. I pray we see her future bright! May God be magnified.
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