Job loss and bending the knee

It is July and hot and the cicadas are singing their shrill tune. When I walk outside in the mornings to tend to the animals, the air feels like a warm bath. Any breeze is welcome. I pick an armful of black-eyed susans and hundreds of wild blackberries, and find bit of time in the day to make jam or freeze the bounty.

We have been in a very difficult season in our home this year. 'Hardest we can think of,' we say. Looking back, there have been other trials, yes. Moves, exhaustion during new babies and toddler years, aching loneliness, extremely tight budgets. I always thought purchasing a home and moving while 9 months pregnant would take the cake. But this, this uncertainty, gnaws at us. Job loss has the underlying anxiety that makes us emotionally and physically exhausted. We know, we know, God loves us and is in control. And so what will be will be best, right? Even if... we have to move. Or sell the house. Or work 4 part-time crappy jobs to keep the house. What is He doing in all of this? How is He shaping us? And are we willing to bend the knee or not? 

Meanwhile, we have a mental health diagnosis for a child that has long stretched us thin. Upon that come many new decisions. Meanwhile, we need to make school decisions for an upcoming year that feels shaky. My ideals are tested. Meanwhile, the laundry piles up and the baby wakes at 6 a.m., and I get to the end of the day and realize no one ate a single vegetable.

And then a friend brings dinner, just because. And loved ones take the kids so that Behn and I can talk for a few hours and budget and make a plan and apply to jobs. A cold front comes in. 

We are living in a tense dichotomy wherein we know and see God's faithfulness and yet the anxiety grips hard. We see the good in simplifying our budget: out go the extras and the subscriptions and now we swing by the food bank. We miss out on the vacations and plans for a 2nd bathroom and dreams are set aside. Is what we have today enough? Has He given our daily bread? (He has). Can we be content, even grateful, in this hard? It may get harder still. Or He may lift this burden in a moment.

But when this is all over one day, oh we shall celebrate!