"Triggers"

-2011-
I slumped down wearily onto the couch in the quiet of the room. My counselor introduced herself and we began our session in prayer. I wasn't even sure why I was there. I was mostly just tired and felt like I needed to talk to someone, but I didn't know about what.

After a session or two, she told me something I'd never heard about myself before. "I think you're feeling angry, Megan."

Angry? Me? I had a happy childhood. I'd lived peacefully with friends in college and never had a major fight. I waited patiently in lines and in traffic. My husband and I had a solid relationship. And now we had a cute, happy little baby boy. Was I tired? Yes. Frustrated that I had to babysit full time so that we could make rent? Sure.  Anxious? Sometimes. But I didn't really think of myself as angry.

Unfortunately, we weren't able to get too deep into it. I went for the 6 sessions that my church paid for, and I was too shy to ask for more money to continue counseling. Then I got pregnant and had Patrick, and eventually Behn got a new job and we moved.

I moved my anger with me.

The cute, happy little baby turned into a strong willed toddler. The new baby didn't sleep. We had to look for a house. I missed my friends. I finally felt angry.

Even when some things fell into place, like buying a house, the anger was easily triggered. Exhaustion, loneliness, but especially hard tantrums from my children set me off. At times, I felt so unrecognizable- who was this person who yelled so out of control? Was this really me? I always wanted a peaceful home- a home that was full of grace. I wanted obedient children and thought we could morph them into that by some Christian cocktail of parenting 'the right way.' But it wasn't working.  I felt like a failure, I wasn't 'training' them right, I was totally self-conscious, always I thinking I was being judged (even by those that love me,), and I some days I had to force myself to like my children. It was ugly.

Over time, things do change. There was prayer, though not always consistent. Sometimes I would cling to a Bible verse or confide in someone or listen to uplifting music and things would feel better.  And there were lots and lots of sweet moments with my little guys. They began to mature in some areas.  It wasn't all anger. Not all the time. But we seemed to go through cycles and during the 'bad' cycle, I was at a loss.

Ya'll, I know I'm not alone in this. Time and again, I've heard parents- moms and dads- say they didn't know they were an angry person until they had kids. Children seem to expose a new part of our hearts. They show us a new, beautiful love. They also reveal a deep-current of selfishness in our hearts, at least they have in mine. Not everyone is angry, but I know some of us are.

And now, I'm not sure where to go with this post. If you sneak into my home today, you might be witness to some of my struggles.  Even while I was typing this up, one of my children came in and was demanding and for a moment, I lost it. But I believe things are on the change. Let me be clear: this is God's doing. God has showed me how to admit my weakness, take responsibility for my reactions, and turn toward a path of gentleness. The Lord has lovingly showed me the sin in my heart and the great depths of His mercy.  But it's not night and day, folks. There's no magic potion for change. Turning away from angry habits is a daily, even moment-by-moment choice. I have had to stop excusing my reactions ("but I'm tired, but I'm having an off day, but his behavior is ridiculous, but I'm so lonely!"). I still fail a lot of moments. It's a hard progress to measure, but I sense a new calm in our home, even with the addition of the baby. Behn feels it, too.

Reading Triggers: Exchanging Parents' Reactions For Gentle Biblical Responses has been a turning point. From the day I heard one of the authors, Wendy Speake, on the Surviving Sarah podcast, I felt a breakthrough. This book uses the Bible as it's base. Each chapter ends in a prayer. It takes sin seriously- my sin. Because when I control my behavior, I can then influence my children's hearts. When I exercise the fruits of the Spirit, I'm right with God. The book simply puts these tools in a very usable form for mothers. The chapters explore many common triggers that parents face: Disobedience, Backtalk, Strong Willed kids, Sibling Rivalry, Lack of Faith, No Personal Space, All the NOISE - to name a few.  This speaks to our weakness and encourages us to take responsibility for our words, memorize Scripture, and choose to point our kids to Christ. At the end of the book, the authors write, "Triggers = Opportunities. What will I do with the opportunities? Will I let them drive me far from my God and his holiness, or let them be the impetus to draw near to Him and His righteousness?" Honestly, this book is so rich in wisdom, I am on my 2nd read and will be keeping it nearby.

I feel like I have more to share. I also know I have progress to make. But here's this good news from Philippians 1: 3-11:

"3 I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, 4 always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, 5 because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. 6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. 7 It is right for me to feel this way about you all, because I hold you in my heart, for you are all partakers with me of grace, both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel. 8 For God is my witness, how I yearn for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus. 9 And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, 10 so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, 11 filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God."