WayfaringStrangers

It is July and hot and the cicadas are singing their shrill tune. When I walk outside in the mornings to tend to the animals, the air feels like a warm bath. Any breeze is welcome. I pick an armful of black-eyed susans and hundreds of wild blackberries, and find bit of time in the day to make jam or freeze the bounty. We have been in a very difficult season in our home this year. 'Hardest we can think of,' we say. Looking back, there have been other trials, yes. Moves, exhaustion during new babies and toddler years, aching loneliness, extremely tight budgets. I always thought purchasing a home and moving while 9 months pregnant would take the cake. But this, this uncertainty, gnaws at us. Job loss has the underlying anxiety that makes us emotionally and physically exhausted. We know, we know , God loves us and is in control. And so what will be will be best, right? Even if... we have to move. Or sell the house. Or work 4 part-time crappy jobs to keep the house. What is He doing

 I'm in the shower, a hundred lists in my head, and you turn on Coldplay's Viva La Vida in the kitchen (only steps away in our small cottage). And I remember it was fall and we drove to Gettysburg and played that album over and over that day. The air was crisp and we were free. It was not perfect- we had no money and jobs we didn't like- and was that the time your car broke down? But we could drive and see and listen and then go home and sleep. Now we talk about how many eggs the hens laid and when we can sit down and apply for financial aid. And life weighs heavier and more real with our 4 boys. But maybe we can drive to Gettysburg soon. 

"Well, he officially got the diagnosis," I tell family and close friends in the days after we receive the very long report.  They all reply, with empathy, with the same question, "How are you feeling about it?" In the first days, I felt relief. Finally an answer to some of the difficulties. We peel back the layers of the ADHD symptoms and say, 'yes, that's him; it makes so much sense now.' I begin to think of the behaviors and difficulties in a softer light.  "We can finally get him some help!" is the general feeling. But weeks pass by, and it becomes so much more complicated. Now we have to make decisions. We are in a lapse of insurance as our family navigates an underemployment situation. We want to continue with counseling. Appointments are made, or need to be made, to see nurses and specialists. The real question is, where do we go from here? Any parent who has had to make big medical decisions knows the pull and stress of ALL THE INFORMATI

 Maybe if you would... Spank more. Spank less. Take out red food dye. Have you tried gluten free? Go organic. Read this book. Buy a weighted blanket. Apply these oils. Set a routine. Make a sticker chart. Never negotiate. Pick your battles. ( I am desperate for a break).  He's fine. He's normal. He'll grow out of it. He's so lovely. He's just a boy. He needs to apologize. Make him say sorry. He did this. He did that. (Please, two days of rest would restore me for a bit).  He'll be calm if you stay calm. Put him in school. Take him out of school. He needs more structure. He needs more playtime. He'll be fine! ( I can't get anything done. The others aren't like this. I cringe when he's in a mood. Every day is a roller coaster. I'm alone in this.)  It's neurodevelopmental. His brain is different. He was born like this. It's not your fault. We can help. Meds may help. We can be a team. It's not your fault. He can succeed. He processes

Today I'm wearing my grandma's socks. My aunt Jeanne thoughtfully offered them to me after Grandma unexpectedly left us for heaven in February. I also inherited several chicken-themed items: chicken candlesticks and a rooster that sits on a shelf. These funny little items bring her to mind frequently. This year I'm thankful for my memories with both my grandmothers. We lost them both this year (neither from Covid). I'm thankful for the time I had with them, and I think of all my grandparents more often than one would realize. I'm thankful I drove to Ohio to hand make my wedding invitations with Grandma B. I'm thankful that Mom and my sisters went back to Ohio a couple summers ago to visit her one more time. I'm thankful for little funny stories that I can tell my kids, like how when we took Grandma B out of her assisted living home for a Walmart run. She zoomed around that store in one of those scooters like a boss, unashamedly choosing Twinkies and Swiss Ro

Several years ago, I was driving home from my part time tutoring job and listening to NPR. I always seemed to catch the Marketplace segment and began to really enjoy it. I've never been a numbers person, but I am interested in economy and society. They had a segment inviting young adults (millennials) to share their stories of how difficult it can be to get by in middle class America. The economy was slowly recovering from the Recession, and I had the perfect anecdote. I went home and typed up my story in the comments section of the Marketplace page. How my husband and I had graduated college with student loan debt...how expensive health insurance plans were....how every paycheck was spent with bills as soon as we had it...how getting married during a recession was basically no fun...how we had to sell our vehicle and buy a crappier one that we could afford. We did not take fancy vacations or eat out much. I stayed home with our kids but had to tutor in the evenings for extra cas